Why I Almost Gave Up On Uni (and Why I'm Glad I Didn't)

How taking a year out helped me fall back in love with learning. 

Welcome back! 

So, as the title suggests, back in 2022 I was ready to throw in the towel and give up on education altogether. After pushing through my first year, I'd simply had enough.

I decided to hit pause for a while and took a position working with the Civil Service (complete with my cute little office outfits and all). It was a really great year for me: I learned so much, met some amazing people and gained a lot of confidence. But, whilst I loved my job, I knew I didn't want to do it forever. I wanted to study again, I wanted to be doing something I was really truly passionate about, and that's how I ended up here, back in university, this time in Magee, and this time studying Marketing.

But I'm getting ahead of myself... so let's rewind. 

When you're 18 and finishing A-levels, it felt like school really frowned upon anyone taking a year out, and (for me anyway) you’re almost pressured into going straight to the next thing. If you’re one of those people who always knew exactly what you want to be when you grow up, then that's amazing for you! This is your time to shine. But let's be real, those people are few and far between.

Being asked at 18 what you want to do for the rest of your life is really scary. For me, I had always been creative. At any and every opportunity I was creating. I was the one getting told off in class for drawing all over my notes... I spent all my free periods at A-level in the art rooms, paintbrush in hand. Art was the only subject I really excelled in (and loved!), so naturally, I thought I had to go down that route. 

So when I left school, I went to the NWRC in Derry. I studied for a year and got a foundation diploma in art and design. I enjoyed it, but I was starting to fall out of love with creating. It was nothing like anything I’d studied before. But, at this point, all of my peers had gone off to uni. They were living their best new lives in these shiny new cities I'd never been in, and I felt like I was being left behind. 

So I pushed through. I moved to Belfast! I was living in halls (living my best student life), studying in the incredible Ulster University Belfast School of Art, doing Textile Art, Design and Fashion. I would be lying if I said I didn't love my time in Belfast. I loved the friends I made, I loved the nightlife, and as someone who grew up in a rural Irish village, I loved the city. The thing I didn't love was my course. 

I was so disappointed in myself. I felt like I had worked so hard to get where I was, and I was blowing it because I couldn't enjoy it. I couldn't see myself working in this field anymore. 

It was Christmas by the time I had really admitted that to myself, but I persevered. 

I thought maybe my feelings would change, maybe I could turn it around, so I pushed myself through semester two (and it was hard). I didn't tell anyone, I didn't think I could. I guess I was scared my family would be as disappointed in me as I was in myself, and that made it all so much worse. 

It was August, before I was due to go into my second year, that I cracked. I had just got the keys for my new uni house, and I felt rotten inside, just completely filled with dread. 

I doddled into the living room, sat down with my mum and my granny, and I just melted. I felt like I had wasted so much time and energy and it was all for nothing. Tears were shed and hugs were had, and I remember when I was going to bed that night, I felt like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. For the first time in my life, I didn't know what my next steps were, and I was a little freaked out, for sure, but I was okay with it. 

This is when I got my job in the Civil Service. I had finally escaped the hellscape that is retail and I was thriving in my little office job. My colleagues were amazing, I had a real routine, a steady income, and for the first time I didn't dread going to work, but I knew I didn't want to be there forever. 

It was actually one of the guys I worked with who had suggested to me to apply for university again. He had just finished his A-levels and was taking a year out (what I should have done in the first place), and he was filling out his UCAS application. My immediate instinct was, "No way, been there done that." But the truth is, I was scared. Once he had planted the seed, I became kind of obsessed with the idea.

With all that I'd done and all the time I felt I'd wasted, I knew if I was going to do this, then I had to be smart about it. I couldn't jump right back into something that wasn't 100% right for me. 

As I mentioned, I’ve always been creative. I’ve always looked for outlets for that creativity, but I’d never really explored what those might be beyond art and design. I had never even considered marketing as an option before, but once I started reading into it and exploring it a bit more, it just clicked. It felt like all the pieces were finally falling into place for me. So I did it. I left the comfortable little bubble I'd made for myself and I took the leap. 

But that didn’t mean it was easy. I had to ignore the niggling little voice in my head whispering all the horrible things I didn’t want to believe: 

“You’re too old to go back now, you’ll be the oldest in your class.” even though I was only 21. 

“You’ll just end up in the same place again, in debt, with no degree.” 

“You’ll never find a job as good as this one, it’s stupid to leave.” 

“Look at all the time you’ve already wasted, and now you want to waste more?”

 And, most frustratingly: 

“You’re disappointing your family.” 

Despite all those horrible thoughts bouncing around in my head, I had the overwhelming feeling that it was now or never, and I wanted this for myself. I wanted to be learning again. I knew in my heart that this was something I could do and I would do it, and that helped drown that little voice out. 

So, I went back, and this time it's different. I'm here for all the right reasons this time, not because I felt like I should come back, or because it's just what everyone else is doing, I'm here for me this time. 

Marketing has been everything I'd hoped it would be. I finally feel like I've found a creative outlet that I can turn into a career. And the campus? It's great. It's so warm and friendly and my lecturers make it easy to show up to classes. Alongside it all, I've been lucky enough to gain some really beautiful friendships. Coming back to university was truly the best thing I have ever done for myself, and I know I made the right choice. I even made the Dean’s List in my first year! 

I’ve learned so many lessons in the four years since I left school. This series of events shaped me into exactly who I am today, and despite mentioning throughout that I felt like I'd wasted so much time, I hadn't wasted any time at all. If I hadn’t walked the path I walked, then I would never have made it to the path I'm on. 

I guess I wanted to share my story to let anyone reading know that if you’re feeling any of the things that I was feeling, then it's normal. It's completely normal to have doubts about where you are or what you're doing. That doesn't necessarily mean you need to do exactly what I did and drop out of your course, but it's definitely worth talking to someone. Whether that's a friend or family member, someone from student support (I have attached their contact info below), or if you want to leave a comment or send me a message, I would love to hear from you. Don't keep it all inside, it'll lead to disaster (trust me, I've been there). 

So, if you’ve read this far, thank you. Writing this has reminded me how far I’ve come and how grateful I am that I gave myself the space to figure things out. Life isn't exactly one size fits all, and we're all just trying to figure it out. If you’re in that “I don’t know what I’m doing” phase right now, please know you’re not alone. You’re allowed to hit pause, change your mind, start over. That’s not failure, that’s growth. 

Just to wrap this up, I wanted to share something that might help put your mind at ease: Student Finance NI will fund one additional year plus a full course. So, if you've found yourself in a similar position to me, there's still support available, it's not the end of the world. 

Student Wellbeing Ulster University: studentwellbeing@ulster.ac.uk

I promise my next blog will be a lot lighter than this one, but if this blog helps just one person know that what their feeling is valid, and they're not alone, then I'm glad I shared it. 

Toni.